Alternate reality

in another world

it was near perfection

the t's crossed and the i's dotted

my heart spoke and you understood

No miscommunication

no place for ambiguity

full transparency

my heart

Your hands

No chance of spillage

Or was it?

Just a figment of my imagination?

who wants perfect anyway

It's the flaws that give us multiple facets

Allowing the light to reflect and bounce off

but pain it does

Sometimes

Reality bites

my heart 

Your hands

But something held back

Wasn't totally honest

Or totally open

So was mine for the breaking

No one else to blame

Just the way of the game

and it's ok really

It really is just A O.K.

Love

is it possible to be in love with a city?

I think it is...

so am back and loving it

Travel does enrich your soul but you do need to have a connection

So something had been missing for a while

But now it's found

Sometimes you have to go away to find yourself

If only to find that what you were looking for was always there 

There were many reasons for my move

But in hindsight they perhaps weren't all my reasons

Perhaps it was love for a person that made me move

But lesson learned that you have to be true to yourself

And only you are responsible for your happy

And crushing your soul for someone else's happy will never make you that

I'm richer for the experience

But so happy to be home

Back to the familiar

Loss of control is never a good thing for extended periods of time

Feeling stuck is never a good feeling either

So now I'm unstuck unglued and master of my destiny!

There's always a choice and you just have to reach Out and grab it!

restful thinking

You need time with your thoughts to be able to write...

or at least restful thinking, thoughtful resting...

take a minute to slow down

to take in everything around you

for there cannot be thought without observation

so the tube is a funny place

I know reams have been written about the lack of eye contact

but I think we should all try it

without being creepy

perhaps after we can cope with eye contact

we could even muster a smile

you never know 

Someone might actually smile back

and we can spread the happy

amongst the harassed, harangued commuters

perhaps everyone can have a better day!

I write this with my eyes glued to my phone...

From the moment we are born

we learn to survive

first as a baby adapting to life outside the womb
then outside our immediate family

first school

new city new country new language

new school new friends

another city more friends

in the end is life just about constantly adapting

Scared shitless of my next move

Not just me having to adapt 

picking this up from July when I first wrote this... 

Well we did move, and did find a new home, got spoilt by friends and family,

And most importantly the minx is settling in nicely too.. Got a school and made some friends

Though we are both slowly adapting to life without a helper to make it easier

Character building I say

Exhausted but happy!

metamorphis

love people

love company

or maybe it should read "loved"

it's kind of strange

or at least a revelation

I considered myself "social"

now am not so sure

unsure

hesitant

and it's not about acceptance

maybe I expect too much

somehow making plans

the anticipation

brings with it a dark side

something lurking from the back of my mind

making me think

what if it's not fun

what if it's boring

what if I'm still lonely in a crowd

worse still what if I don't feel like it

and still have to go along

go through the motions

maybe it's the planning

maybe that just kills it

am still blown away by the magic of conversation

maybe I just crave spontaneity 

something impromptu

at the spur of the moment

hard in these busy times

where everyone is booked ahead for months

and it takes 20 sms's to plan ahead

so guess what am trying to say

is no wonder my favorite free time is exactly that

Free Time - nothing planned

Perfection!

drawing a line_________

at what point do you draw the line

change track completely

cut off all ties

start afresh

take a risk

change everything

venture into the unknown

so much written about

but at what point do you actually

Believe

Take the plunge

Make a change

I see meticulously planned people

and wonder at them

in awe

in amazement

in incomprehension

perhaps I was like them once

grand plans

big dreams

that's not me

well at least not been me for a while

I just jump in the deep end and hope for the best

leave it to fate

late realization

that I leave far too much to chance

But really,

At what point do you draw the line?

Don't Care

She didn't care what others thought

For they were their thoughts

She had enough of her own to care about

To postulate

To ponder

Yeah you could throw words at her

Like knives

Stick them in

Cos behind the tough exterior

She was a shell of nothingness

For if we don't feel

What are we?

Kindness

Random acts of kindness

Is there such a thing

Are they random

Or is there an expectation within

Does that make it unkind

Expectation

Should we expect

Is that being selfish

If we all acted in self interest

Where would the pleasure in pleasing others go?

Your perception is not my reality

"perception is reality" one of the phrases that's resonated with me all through my career and beyond really...

...while it may be true, for people like me, this is really hard to grasp, come to terms with or accept...

why should your perception be my reality in any case? Perhaps to you it's real however it may be something totally different for me...

And I will have to live with that and deal with it

similar concept but slightly tangential those people who live in their self absorbed bubble, hard for the rest of us to break through or even get any empathy... So how does that even work?

someone once told me I had no empathy... I have since really tried hard to  see things from other people's perspective, and to an extent it does help  cos God only knows we are all definitely not the same! and while sometimes I find it hard to relate it does certainly help to make sense of things, and in extreme cases almost push us away from people who are too different, but at a base level I do always like to at least start off thinking everyone is likeable to start and that we can learn something from each person we meet!

in another life

young free and reckless

oh the joys of youth

then we get chained down

with responsibilities

and can only be so young free and reckless

Or maybe we just start becoming risk averse

Scared to take chances

To try something new

To just do as we please

Follow our hearts...

Except for us inherently reckless people

Or in someone else's view

the fearless ones 

Who take chances

Ate into the unknown

Don't always have a plan

Let life lead us where it may!

that walk...

We walked through the city

a long walk

a quiet walk

down the streets of London

Symbolic in a way

That city that joined us

You held my hand

We were ever so young

I was unsure of myself 

Cos I knew what I was like

Tried to warn you

I love completely

and all consumingly

I didn't want to feel the pain 

of rejection of abandonment

so I told you let's not start

if it was only meant to end

But we were young

and I suppose fearless

In hindsight perhaps foolish

I still remember that walk

through that majestic city 

Would things be different?

We'll never really know

But I know I'll always remember 

that Victoria Embankment kiss!

Au revoir...

... the French say it so much better... till we meet again!

Maybe that's just how it is for us nomadic people who have no roots or don't let ourselves grow any roots...

So people come and then they leave but sometimes they connect in a way that you always hope there will be fun times again

I've lived in four different countries across continents and the only consistent thing is the friends I've made and who've stuck around and stay in touch, it might be something really simple like liking every fb post I make or with the world becoming smaller a whatsapp message exchange but makes such a difference and stops us from feeling alone

Alone now there's a word, it can mean different things to different folks... and sometimes it's actually good to be alone and truly try and find yourself

Then again it's the connections that make you feel alive and appreciate your existence and be thankful for the people who've touched your life

Not everyone stays or has lasting power but I truly believe that all these connections help define you and help you grow, maybe someone teaches you resilience and others might teach you to look for positivity in the little things and appreciate all that you do have rather than always looking for something else.. then again others help you be nostalgic for who you once were and help you recreate that magic when you do meet again, while others still help you strive for something more...

Lots of thoughts...

Anyway this post is dedicated to my friend Anu who is embarking on a new adventure, we've only been friends for a short while but I know I'm going to miss her heaps... our shared love for prosecco, champagne, vino and brunches, the long conversations and the shared silences...

Wish her all the happiness wherever she maybe, and know that somewhere on the other side of this small planet which is truly small in the grand scheme of things we'll be thinking of her!

So au revoir my friend... Till we meet again!

Care-less

I might not care what you think

Cos those are your thoughts

Just as valid to you as mine to me

But if you put those thoughts into words

And throw them at me

It's as good as throwing knives

I hurt I feel and I will ponder over them

For a little while at least

And then I'll move on

For we're all resilient

Sometimes I'll play them back

Will think of the context

Will put myself in your shoes

So yes momentarily I'll Care

But mostly

I do as I please

Need to fill my own shoes

Have enough to say to myself

Don't need your words

Need to be true to my own

So yes, when I say I don't care what people think

That's true

100%

I only answer to myself

The demons inside me

You can hurt me with your words

But I'll just grow more resilient 

Soul-less

There's no poetry in your soul they said

You're no poet they said

For you have no knowledge of poetry

Like you have no soul

No judgment 

No understanding

Of another plane

You live in a bubble

A one-dimensional plane

So we render you soulless

Of no heart or mind

Do souls meet I asked

Does a soul have dimensions

Is it me who lacks poetry

Or are your words lacking depth

They're just words

Senseless sounds I say

Do words define us

Or do we define words

If we don't breathe into them

They'd be mere animal sounds

Demons

Only you have the power

To silence the voices in your head

Slay your demons

Make sure they're dead

That they don't creep up 

In the middle of the night

And cause you pain

Those 4am voices

You got to keep them right

Matlabi

Hum sabhi na matlabi hain

Tum kaho na

Kya sahi hai

Hum sabhi na matlabi hain

Tum kaho na

Kya sahi hai Kya sahi hai kya sahi hai haaaaa

Nakli chehre jhoothe vaade

Sach ki koi chah Nahi hai

Tum kaho na kya sahi hai

Sab banawat sab milawat

Jhoothe rishte nakli chahat

Kuchh dilon mein hi kami hai

Kyun chhipayen kyun banaye

Dil mein kya hai na dikhayen

Tum kaho na kya sahi hai

Hum sabhi na matlabi hain

Tum kaho na

Kya sahi hai

Hum sabhi na matlabi hain

Tum kaho na

Kya sahi hai Kya sahi hai kya sahi hai haaaaa

Ode to one true love...

"One true love you kill me
Bollywood dreams you fill me
where are the heroes, the real men
Who stick by you even when
You're at your lowest low
& your darkest hour takes a bow
Only to find in reality that
Forever has an expiry date"

Mummness

You make me smile

With the funny things you say

New things I learn from you everyday...

or sometimes its just learning old things in a new way :)

Your hugs recharge

My tired bones

& even if I try & define

the love I feel for only mine

I cannot bear to have to share

You with anyone else

My strength you are

My weakness too

All happy things I wish for you

But above all I wish you strength

& courage to face the world

Awesomeness is what I wish to pass

The ability to bounce back

Stand up and face the rain

wrote this a while back for Ayushi

back after a hiatus

been a long break since I last posted... Perhaps I just ran out of things to say, or more likely ran out of things I wanted to share... but am back, and will write which I mostly do for myself, but sometimes it's good to share!